Urban myth 10

We were having too much fun to notice. The DJ set was sublime for the venue, the crowd was hopping considering it was mid-week at the Ormond, Club UFO. I'd come from work via the pub and I was letting loose, knowing I'd pay for my few hours of physical efforts on the dance floor the next day. 

I wasn't high. Probably half the crowd were the same. Anyone that had a job to go to wouldn't be high in a club on a Wednesday. I was there that night because I worked with one of the DJs, John D. And he had spun up an old-skool storm. I don't have rhythm on a dance floor but I can move to rave 'til the lights are switched off. 

And that was how we didn't notice them. Two near the speakers and two near the toilets. Wearing an Hawaiian shirt uniform. I had a pain in my face from smiling, my mates were giving it large and then the music stopped abruptly just before the bass dropped on a 'toon. There were shouts of disappointment followed by shouts of disbelief followed by fear. In ten seconds we were face down on the floor, hands by our heads. Bass buzzed in my ears still. I remember thinking how stupid the drug squad was to raid a midweek rave with hardly any ecstasy. Big clubs were awash with the stuff at weekends. Nobody I was with had necked a pill except Baz. And that was Aspirin because he had a toothache. I felt relief.

Then I turned to my right. Ed. A sheer look of horror on his face. He was a motorcycle courier from the westside and had been involved in a few dodgy moves around town. I'd seen him at the rave but we weren't hanging out together. I could see he had a right to be horrified. He was gripping a tiny bag, one of those you get the tiny IKEA washers in now. The bag contained 3-4 pills. He was going down for possession, no doubt about it. The guards were going through the crowd, getting everyone to empty pockets. They were getting close. I stared at Ed, feeling sorry for him although not too much because I was pretty sure he'd helped stage a robbery weeks earlier when the wages drop in work was taken at gun point.

He looked to see where the four Magnum P.I.s were in the room. Closer. And with a sleight of hand you wouldn't see in a poker game, he flicked the tiny bag at my head. Now I was going down for possession. Ed's head turned away from me. He had just completely done me over and didn't want to look at me. My peripheral vision told me I had five seconds before the cops would get to me. I covered the bag with my hand, and moved it down by my side  I glanced for that one second to make sure there were no eyes on me. With a twitch that resembled the tiniest frisbee in the world being thrown I skimmed the bag through the air and watched it land between Ed's legs. What had probably taken a couple of seconds felt like an eternity. My heart rate was so high it was as though I'd swallowed every one of those pills.

Ed twitched and moved his legs in panic. His face was turned away from me but I could picture his expression. And because he twitched and spasmed with pure fear, the detectives were on him quickly. Latex-gloved hands found the baggy. Ed was hoisted to his feet. He managed to give me a brutal heel into the ribs as he stood, without the cops noticing but the damage was done. He and two others left in cuffs. 

I helped John D pack up his stuff. Our sullen group discussed the whole episode. I thought about Ed as I nursed my ribs. Couldn't believe he'd do that. But then reality woke me up and I knew he could do worse. 

I freewheeled into work the next morning, called dispatch over the radio as I sipped my coffee outside Bendini and Shaw. As I waited for my first job Ed pulled up on his clapped out Honda, fag in mouth. I glared at him. I put my bike down and started across towards him, red rage guiding me. Another motorbike courier pulled up beside him. I stopped. Ed spoke.

"Ah Jaysus! How's the ribs?" He flicked the fag out into the oncoming traffic and drove away.

Monday motivation

1. If like me, you have trouble trying to get up and go today or difficulty trying to get your week's training off the start line, then let me throw some ideas at you. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ But first remember that everyone is in the same boat. 'Tis the season; the one where light is in short supply, the best road is paved with Quality Street, our DNA flips our calorific intake making us consume more than we expend. It is tough. Wine is more welcome than a protein shake, we are cold putting on our gear and the cartoon cloud outside forces the hardiest to re-think their motivation. Maybe some of the following ideas will get you biking before mid-week.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Overdress; Yes, the weather is unpredictable, and by that I mean its 11 degrees and you don't need gloves or overshoes. Then you get one biblical shower that turns your breath to fog, fills your shorts with a plunge pool and gives you an ice-cream headache without the vanilla. But think of how you are getting one over on your enemies. Always nicer to remove layers from overheating rather than go home hypothermic.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Maintenance and GT-80; So you spend a long time cleaning your bike, to the point where you feel a little agri-spec? Muck has built up in the back yard and pansies are sprouting? Think about what you are doing for the environment. But lubing, oiling and cleaning your steed will keep you moving and make your sessions easier. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$4 Mind your eyes; You have more lenses than an optician. Fakelys, Lidl and Rudys protect your delicate vision. Dark for the low level sun, yellow for the half-murk of grey days. Clear for a typical winter hotchpotch. Wear them. Your reflection in the coffee shop window will be sexier too.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Fuel up; Winter has an appetite. Bring more. A chimp's supply of bananas, more fig rolls than a Jacobs factory, enough gels to lubricate the PTO on a tractor. Better than getting the bonk in the cold and being found days later talking to yourself in a field. Cold and wind need feeding.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Buddy up; Winter is the time to catch up and remember those whom you've neglected over the summer because you were too pro to say hello. Slow down and have the banter. Your face should hurt more from laughing than your legs do from cycling. And when you pass other solo cyclists they'll think you are laughing at them. Win/ win! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Human bean; Get that coffee inta ya! Coffee is the cyclists thing, like Yorkies for truckers, Jumbo breakfast rolls for builders or doughnuts for the police. An espresso puts lead in your mental and physical pencil. Makes you alert, switches on your electrics, helps you push further. And no, Kenco is not coffee. It is the same to the coffee world as wavin is to hurling. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ STRAVA. Or some App that gives you focus. Bored doing Winter miles? Check yourself out on STRAVA and beat your time the next day. Even a FitBit will show the 'steps' you have amassed. At worst you can check up on your virtual friends and see who is doing what. At best you can try to beat their time on a segment all Winter. Win or lose, you will get faster.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Contact points are important too. Your hands, feet and ass will thank you for a little pampering. Especially with the materials available today. Spend a little above entry level and the pad in your shorts will no longer turn to the consistency of wet toilet paper at the hint of rain. Winter gloves are slim and toasty these days, so banish that image of you with lobster-sized hands unable to remove a banana from your rear pocket. And shoes dry quickly, eliminating the use of your familys fan oven to get you ready for the next ride.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ And lastly porridge. A huge bowl of the wonderstuff will get you a long way into the day. You might be hitting the road at any time yet your energy levels will be good for hours. Yes, I know it has the texture of horse feed and can be as palatable as a bedsit carpet but it will fuel you well and feed your Goldilocks fetish simultaneously.$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Any of these ideas help? Good. Lastly, whether you are male or female, a liberal helping of cojones must be added to the above ingredients. Just get out there. Unless you think it is physically dangerous, then going out there will be worth it. On returning, your happy hormones will explode, your sense of belonging in the crazy sport of cycling will increase and you'll draw nods and knowing glances of admiration from your peers. "There's that hardy f**ker." they'll be thinking as you scoot past, "He cycles in the Winter".$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$