Life is funny. There's a bunch of stuff you had on an adolescent bucket list that slipped your mind as you got older. And AMEN to that. Might have been the car, the girl, the house, the sporting triumph, the idyllic island holiday. You get the picture, right? Of course we might feel regret at not crossing off many of those targets that felt very important at the time. On the other hand, I do remember Garth Brooks lyrics from way back that are relevant. Now before you start lambasting me, I ain't no fan of country music. You don't have to wear a Stetson to have friends in low places and besides, isn't a hoe-down when your first girlfriend slips on chip-grease outside the kebabish at 3am?
No, Garth sang a slow song about thanking God for unanswered prayers. Of course, by buying his singles we were answering some of them. If you don't remember the tune, just hold a lighter in the air and close your eyes. I never dreamt about being a GAA star or even being fashionable. Rockstar? Nope. Rich? Nope. It never crossed my mind to dream big. But I did dream and say the odd prayer. And luckily, God had bigger stuff to be at! You know, famines, comforting the terminally ill, helping people face cancer or bereavement. Understandably, I was put out at the time.... Now I understand that the help I needed wasn't a big issue. God was telling me to figure it out for myself. Now, if you knew me 20 or more years ago you'll know I wasn't the fella with a blunt force trauma sense of humour or opinions, nor was I self-aware really. (Think cave man). So it took me forever to realise I had to make my own way, make decisions, make headway in life. Turns out it wasn't just blind luck or blind love that put me in relationships, although it might have kept me in them...!
I used to dream about sailing. Around the world. I couldn't tell the difference between a stern and a spinnaker but none-the-less I was going to learn to sail and make a living from it by writing about my adventures in Yachting Monthly. But I didn't. I've met the deck shoe and white-shirted world-sailors and I'm glad I didn't become that disconnected soul searching for a spiritual home.
I dreamt about being a pro cyclist in Belgium. The cold, the grit, the cut-and-thrust of hard races. The solitary warrior accepting the adulation of the crowd. God turned his back and rightly so. I had to figure out by myself that I loved cycling but I didn't have the ruthless streak or constitution to push myself far enough.
Similarly, the man upstairs let me navigate my way through a couple of caustic relationships, taught me valuable lessons by staying out of it.🙈
I may have drifted a little, I'm not terribly loyal, skirted around the edges, didn't suffer fools and still can't.
Then I woke up one morning in recent years to the realisation that certain things I have, ways I am, people I love... are here now because those countless dreams faded into countless dawns. Garth Brooks has had a second coming since for God's sake! I woke to realise that the bucket list of your youth is a bunch of post-its you throw away as life gets involved. I woke to realise that I have a bucket list that I wasn't always aware of. It's just that a number of good souls have kindly filled it in for me.👨👩👧👧
Jeez, when I think of sweating with worry alone in a bedsit, trying to work out how low I could go to keep someone loving me. Later replaced with the sweat of figuring out how to get away.🙊
Or dreaming of Belgian cobbled streets into the wee hours. Now I'm just stoked at getting to a league race or looking over ditches with my cycling buddies.🤘
And the love part? Lets just say a little thanks to the heavens that I don't teach in the Midlands now. Or I'm not an alcoholic lead-teacher in Madrid, waiting for rain, taking the strain. I really have so much to be thankful for. 💖
Still can't stand country music though. Line dancing? Where I grew up, the line came before the dancing!🐴
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