Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Cancellara or cancelled? What will it be?

 

CANCELLARA OR CANCELLED. WHAT WILL IT BE?

Finally the evenings have gotten long enough to cycle for hours before dark and with it come the midweek time trial leagues that crop up all over the country. Always a great way to get safely into cycle racing, these local, good humoured events are a gem. Yet rocking up to your very first can be a daunting experience. Don’t know your tri-spoke from your aero tuck? Here then, is a guide to help you get started against the clock.

Firstly, do not be intimidated! It is easy to feel inadequate at the dazzling cycling jewellery on display. And yes, there’ll be a dozen bikes that each cost more than your car. However, the dude astride more carbon than the HAAS F1 team might be able to quote savings of 10 watts over 20 kilometres but he was eating Red Cheddar by the pound last night so don’t be worrying! Time Trials are a test of yourself, not Cervelo’s latest offering. Your local time trial is nothing like Eurosport, so some riders may look like a Pepperami but most are far from typical. Portly, middle-aged, school-goers, 8 feet tall… the evening time trial has it all. So don’t let the one with the sports-balm slathered legs or ego the size of their gluteus maximus put you off.

Secondly, while aerodynamics are very important, it’s what you do with it that counts. So don’t be fooled! Of course there are helmets that resemble a stealth bomber over Iraq but if you constantly turn around to see where your rivals are then you may as well be wearing a hat like Doctor Seuss! If like me, you find all your jerseys have turned into skinsuits in recent years, then you are fine. However, there will always be the looks-like-a-gnarly-ex-pro fella pried into his extra small aero suit one size above a baby grow. He may look fast but he’ll be speaking like an 11-year-old Aled Jones in the weeks ahead. As regards overshoes, a recent study in the Mongolian Centre for Yak and Sports Research has shown that one millimeter of sock sticking out over the top of an aerodynamic overshoe will cost you half a second per 100 kilometres in a tailwind. Fact.

Thirdly, fitness is where it all starts. Ask yourself the following questions to test your fitness; Have you had the top-tube of your bike re-sprayed recently because your gut is rubbing the paint off? When you stand in front of a mirror does your frontal profile look lean yet your side profile look like you are in the second trimester? When standing, can you see your shoes? If, having answered these questions truthfully, you still want to race this evening then at least you are not lacking the fourth step;

Confidence; Did I tell you about the fella that regularly gets placed in the time trial leagues around here. On a standard road bike. With standard wheels. Wearing a standard helmet. That is confidence. Or as Boonen said, “Sometimes you don’t need a plan, you just need big balls.” You see, if you feel strong, have put in the work, believe in yourself, then….  You see, newcomers are often put off by the swish of disc wheels, the death-stares, the deep-veined legs resembling a map of the Mekong Delta. That’s all for show. At evening’s end, talent will out.

Fifthly; Time Triallists are an eclectic mix. Prepare yourself. When you roll into the carpark you’ll be accosted by every conceivable type. Just observe while describing them to yourself in a David Attenborough accent. There are the sixty-something retirees that do a hundred miles every other day and probably have an ass a blacksmith could use for an anvil. In the corner is the one doing it for fun with the handlebars higher than the saddle. These are the Fidos, as they sit up and beg. You’ll also find the Praying Mantis types, their fore-arms an inch from their heads as they ride their tri-bars in a scrunched up, unique style. You might meet Mister Bean, the agitated young fella on his eighth espresso; a man so caffeinated he can’t talk, sit or hold eye contact. And he won’t sleep tonight either. And don’t forget the Lisinopril candidate, stress central. Yes, there is always one with high blood pressure. Is my brake rubbing?!? Are the tyre pressures wrong because there is a cold front on the forecast?! Should I have gone for the 80mm front wheel instead of the 50mm?! Why is the Garmin not syncing?! Yes indeed, one man’s simple decision can be another’s tachycardia.

And you! Yes you! The newbie! Fresh to this game. First night at a TT and you will either A] Warm up too much and be empty after the start line. B] Talk too much, do no warm up and calve within a kilometre. C] Ask the organizer on eight occasions what your start time is. D] Lean too far over when the starter holds you and ride into a parked car when you hear the word ‘go!’ E] Overdo the pre-workout drink the muscle-bound silver-back in the gym swore by, and jump a five bar gate to slurry a field. F] Take a wrong turn and do the fastest time until someone realizes what happened. G] Really enjoy yourself, find your calling and wonder why you never did this before.

A few agonizing miles later and you cross the line buckled. The colour has drained from your face, your butt is shredded, the last time your heart rate was this high your doctor had mentioned a prostate exam. Yet suddenly, uncontrollably, that grimace transforms into a grin and you realise that pain has given way to a contentment rarely found. Turns out, everyone there has a similar story to your own to relate. On the way home you transform from a newbie to a member of the Time Trial Community, eagerly counting down the days to next week’s race.

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